purging

Life feels somewhat calmer and more subdued in the last week or so. The anxiety of "what's next?" has given way to the game of "wait and see...". In this game I feel the irresistible desire to purge. We had a moving sale. it is AMAZING how much stuff collects in the corners of our lives and homes in the matter of a few short hectic years. We are no strangers to moving and therefore know the routine of sorting and packing. ridding ourselves of unnecessary weight. This time feels different though. I carry a lot of weight...

I have boxes full of childhood stuff. 3 porcelain dolls - 2 of which were from my dad and one from my grandfather. a Mickey Mouse from my high school grad night at that happiest of places. Disneyland. yearbooks. a surprise pullout picture book from much younger days. Winnie the Pooh books circa 1930's searched for and found in thrift stores by an ex-boyfriend. thousands of stickers from this early girl's collection. my first "baby" that I can remember treasuring... a little musical bear given at birth by the half sister I no longer know. a bible given to me by my grandmother when she and my mother ceased communication. that was to be given to me after her death. inside is one picture cut from a photo booth strip of the sperm donor. the bible is huge and heavy. in many many ways. bits and pieces of a childhood so long gone but not so forgotten.

I would be lying to say a part of me does not wish to just throw all of it away. But i do know throwing away my memories won't make them disappear. And why would I want them to fade anyway? Besides the obvious hope of making the painful memories dissipate.

In my frantic need to purge I entered the most dangerous zone in this whole house. The Boys' Room. I was given the opportunity to enter unmolested and purge unchallenged as the two oldest were away with their grandparents for the week. I must preface this with the fact that my children don't play with anything... other than LEGOS. They do read their books and Avery does have a collection of rocks. There are 3 bookshelves in the danger zone... all of which have an assortment of, well... books. and the aforementioned collection of rocks and fossils. there are an abundance of trophies and medals and then there are the Legos. Each new creation is afforded an honorary spot on the center bookshelf until it is no longer deemed worthy and so replaced with yet another new creation. Through the last 4 years in this house my boys have managed to gather more Legos than any child I have ever known in my lifetime... more than any of all the children put together that I have come in contact with in my entire lifetime! Believe me. that's a lot of Legos.

There were numerous bins full of Legos and all the detritus that comes along with boys who live in a room and build creations most of everyday out of their lives... cracker crumbs, half eaten cookies, wrappers from snuck away candy, the occasional errant Hot Wheel or puzzle piece... and this in a room where food is not allowed.

Getting organized is hard. Staying there... ah well. hopefully not as hard. I sorted through the lego bins - threw away all of the disgusting, though quite well preserved, food bits and random other junk - bought new bins, placed Legos into their respective bins by color... Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Brown, Grey, Black, Mini Figures, Wheels, Bionicles............ We still need a bin for base plates. It took me 4 days. The boys came home today. Adam's face was a sight to behold. "Look at this piece!" and "I've been looking for this one FOREVER!" more exclamations of that sort were interspersed with my lecture of how I will skin them alive and throw away ALL Legos if the system is not maintained... Avery's response wasn't quite as enthusiastic. I think he was imagining himself strung up by his toes whilst I flogged him mercilessly.... We'll see how long it lasts. I did my part. and then some. I'm hoping they can do theirs now.

My room is next. It seems in a house as small as ours when one room is freed of it's weight another room takes the brunt of what is left. With a clean kitchen, living room, boys' room, bathrooms... my room has been weighed down. Time for more purging! I hope to get it done before the school year starts. Though, or rather because, the boys will be at home for their studies I feel the need to have everything in place and some sort of organization in our daily lives started before they actually have to sit down in front of the computer and begin 4th and 6th grade.

We have received the computer that CAVA provides... where the hell we're going to put it remains to be seen... we are waiting on the books and other materials also provided. Everything should be here by the 27th. Avery's attitude towards the home schooling idea has thawed a bit now that he sees the computer. Once we get everything else I'm hoping he warms up to the idea completely. Adam is just Adam... easy going and ready to move at his own pace for a change. I am excited about the German lessons that the boys (and I) will be taking. The foundation will be set if in fact we do end up in Germany.

Germany is not a guarantee by the way. I think it may have sounded as if it was in my last post. It was just so nice to finally have some information that I typed without really realizing that this is the military we're talking about. As I've mentioned before, Dustin being prior service can request a duty station and the Army will "do their best" to honor one of his selections. I've been down this road before. If his selections don't meet their needs what he wants doesn't mean jack. So he wants Germany, if Germany happens to meet the Army's needs, off we'll go. If not... well, there are Army bases all over this world of ours. We'll see where this leads and we will wait each day as we get closer to the day that Dustin leaves us for training. waiting. From waiting for answers to waiting for movement... we are always waiting.

I envy my sweet girl in that waiting isn't really a focus of hers yet. She is growing by amazing leaps and learning amazing feats every day. She has been signing "more" and "all done" for a couple of months now but just the other day I began to teach her "please" and "thank you". She has "please" down. "Thank you" and blowing kisses have become one and the same. I'll take a sweet blown baby kiss any day as a thank you :o)

When I think of all the memories my children will have from this crazy hectic time and all the rest of their childhood I know why I hold onto my weighted down boxes. For all the precious, treasured, faded, broken down, tear stained, pain filled items our childish selves hold onto we are reminded from whence we came and how very far we have come. I hope my children will always carry their boxes with them whatever they may hold.